I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
