eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
