I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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