My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize