I need help removing her.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
