Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
