I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
