If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
