Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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