I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
