so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize