The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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