Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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