last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
