i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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