Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
