Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
