I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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