Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
