were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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