why do cheetos always look like penises
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
