I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
