i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
