She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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