I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
