Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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