i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sober January is a disaster.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
