After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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