I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize