I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
