gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
