Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
