She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
