Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
