Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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