In America we eat man semen.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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