Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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