this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize