just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its about making memories worth repressing
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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