i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
