I think I died a long time ago.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
