I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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