On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize