Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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