Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize