All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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