i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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