you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
