Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
