RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
