I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
