at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
