I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
