I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
